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previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Three of the Merrill rock the boat again.
I break out into song from Guys and Dolls.
This is all that's been in my head, Amy, ever since he said rock the boat the first time.
You see off in the distance some fishing boats and they are beginning to paddle away from you.
They do not like the cut of our jib.
Could Donny, because he can speak to people telepathically using images.
He does that and they all look confused and some of them a bit scared.
The fact that they're seeing these images.
Against their will.
Oh my God.
What else do we see?
You see a large silhouette of a massive iceberg.
Guys, I think we should go there immediately.
Agreed.
What else are we doing?
Larry yell just don't make any sudden movements.
Okay, guys, one of the warriors comes up and knocks him out.
Thanks, Larry.
In fact, all three of you are struck from behind and are all knocked out.
You guys are brought out to the center of the village.
All of the people surrounding the area are all chanting a word,
which Larry tells you that this word is this man's name and it is Orca Heart.
They are chanting this louder and louder over and over again
until you are escorted into the center of this arena.
Flint, you are led into the center of this ring where you see you are on the map now.
And the man you've been speaking to,
he comes out to the center of the ring and he begins to do a little spiel,
which Larry roughly translates for you.
And he says that you are about to undergo a massive battle between Orca Heart,
our village's strongest warrior and the strongest warrior of these newcomers.
If our champion wins,
these people must hand over some of their fine steel weapons
and sail away immediately, never to return.
If the newcomers win, they will have earned their place among the villagers.
He goes on to say that no magic is allowed
and the fight must be until one contestant is unconscious and dying.
And he, the man who was talking, he's moved back to the side.
And there is another female.
She is, she looks like she's maybe the town
medicine woman or shaman.
I have one question before we start.
If my friends are off to the side and they see something
that might help me in the battle via, I don't know,
some sort of perception check or something, are they able to tell me about it?
Absolutely.
Yep.
Perfect.
So, yeah, yeah.
So you, as far as Nularaaa and Thea go,
if at any point you want to make a check of some sort,
just let me know and we can do that and then deal with that from there.
Cool.
Thea, why don't you occasionally do a magic check
to make sure they aren't breaking their own rules?
What a good idea.
Because you can do that, right?
Can you do detect magic or something?
Yeah, detect magic or, yeah.
I'm assuming Flynn's just going to win, so I'm not that worried, but.
Yeah, or a perception check.
If you notice somebody doing something that you're unsure of,
you can see if you can figure out what they're doing.
Okay.
That's okay.
So he's got a six for his initiative.
Okay, I got a ten.
Alright, so you, sir, are up first.
Alright.
Can I run a perception check just initially to get an eyeball at him?
Yes, yes, you can.
That's a 16.
He's a human male.
He's wearing, he has a shield, a spear, and he's wearing studded leather.
He's about twice your size, proportionately as wide.
He's a very muscular individual.
What is his shield made out of?
It is a metal shield.
That's stupid.
Get him to stick his tongue to it.
It is very cold.
Oh, how big is the shield?
Is it like, you know, just a buckler type of thing?
Or is it like a big kite shield?
It's a fairly sizable, probably more the size of a kite shield.
Okay, but since he's a giant human, it's probably not covering that much of it.
No, it would cover probably, you know, midsection.
Or if he were to kneel behind it, it would cover likely most of what you could see.
All right.
Okay, let's do this, I guess.
So what I would like to do right off the hop is some sort of attack where
I go for more of his knee slash shin area right off the start,
like fake like I'm going to go high, go low.
Maybe if there's some sort of like roll involved, I can do an acrobatics check.
But I figure I'll just be able to do that without too much difficulty.
I'll get you to make either an acrobatics or athletics check.
All right, let's check it.
Which one I have a bonus for acrobatics.
Oh, shit, I rolled a natural 20.
What?
I should have saved that for the attack.
But you know what?
I nailed the check.
So that's good.
You did.
You nailed it.
Yeah, you can do that.
So we'll take that.
So yes, if you hit with your attack check, you hit where you want to hit.
Yeah.
That is a 19.
One thing to note that we were playing incorrectly and have been playing incorrectly forever.
For like a year now?
Oh, sweet.
Yeah, forever.
When you're rolling against ac, if you match somebody's ac,
the person who's attacking wins that battle.
Oh, okay.
Is that coming into play right now?
Yes, it is.
With 19, you hit.
Okay.
Two D12 plus four.
All right, let's get the D12 going.
And not the group from Detroit that Eminem's part of.
Of course.
So that's eight.
Six is 10 plus four.
Hold on.
Eight and six is 14.
Sorry, hold on here, Flynn.
Did you move per chance?
Remember he ran and did like a roll?
I assume I like ran towards him.
I was just going to say, you know, using maps and stuff.
There you go.
Oh, sorry.
I was like, what are you talking about?
He did that amazing move.
I mean, I assumed it was part of my acrobatics check, but I wasn't sure.
You actually did it on the spot.
All right, so that was nice.
Watch out.
Intunidation tactic.
All right, so that was eight and six plus four.
So that is 18 on the first one.
Okay.
Second attack.
I guess I'll go for kind of the same thing since I'm already in the process of doing this.
Yeah, for sure.
And that's a 21, but not critical.
Of course, that's just with the bonus.
Nine on the first one.
A solid three on the second one and four is 16 damage.
I'm like screaming from the from the sidelines like,
slittest tendon.
Yeah, we're being very vocally supportive in a way that we are not currently.
So as not to like make Skype melt.
Yeah, no, I'm on board with it.
Screams and cheers.
That hit knocks him back kind of to this point to where, you know, he came into the arena
and he is helped back up by barking seal.
I do a perception check to make sure that as she helps him up,
she's not like healing his wounds.
Okay, make a perception check.
I'm gonna.
Do it then.
Nine.
What's your perception?
My perception?
I don't know.
You've got my thing there.
Seven.
Seven.
Okay, 16.
It doesn't appear that she is making any sort of move to heal any wounds.
Okay.
Well, I make like kind of like I'm really obviously staring at her
and then I like point to my eyes and then point to her with both my fingers.
She got it.
Yeah, she knows what's going on.
Good.
Okay, it is his turn.
So he is helped back up by barking seal and moves charges towards you with his shield.
That is he runs at you with his shield and bashes you with it for 18 against your AC.
Which is a good hit.
Yep.
And you will take eight bludgeoning damage
and you also have to make a strength saving throw.
Okay.
It's a 12 plus four so 16.
So you say you saved against being knocked prone.
Sweet.
And he comes in and attacks you again with his spear stabbing at you twice.
First one is a 16.
Not good enough.
Second one is a 25.
Not critical.
Definitely good enough.
You take 14 piercing damage with that second hit.
Okay.
And now it's your turn.
All right.
And his stab kind of gets the crowd built up in a frenzy as you take that hit there.
All right.
Okay.
So that's a 24 for my attack
and I guess I should continue to try to...
Guys, what should I do here?
Should I go for the body, try and get past the shield
or just keep attacking the lower region and try and cripple his movement?
It seems like a good strategy as a shorter man, a shorter dwarf, I should say.
That seems like a good strategy because then you can bash him upside the head
when he's down on the ground.
You can stop competing with his superior reach.
Yeah.
My hope is that he starts to favor his side and then I'm able to exploit that weakness.
All right.
Seven and four is 11 and four is 15 damage on that attack.
Yeah, it was.
All right.
Second attack.
That is a 19, which I think was good.
A 19 is good, yeah.
10 damage on that one.
Oh shit, 12 on that one, so 22 and four is 26.
Wow.
He's looking bloodied.
He's showing noticeable signs of damage at this point.
But he actually drops his shield and makes a two-handed jab at you,
for lack of a better term, with his spear and he gets three attacks.
Oh shit.
On the first hit, that's a 29, not critical.
Oh my god.
No, that's a lie.
That's a lie.
25, not critical.
That doesn't matter.
I wish the DM wouldn't lie.
I know.
I'm trying to keep it under wraps over here, but he turns back to me and he
does a secret dice stuff.
And loaded dice and all that stuff.
So that's 14 damage.
Second stab with his spear is only a 10 against your AC.
Third, however, is a 21, not critical.
And that will be eight piercing damage.
Well, that's not too bad.
I'm about halfway down for my hit points.
That's okay.
All right.
So my turn again?
Yes, sir.
Okay, I'm going to use my bonus action of a second wind, which enables me to
protect myself from damage and heal myself a little bit.
Fantastic.
Yes.
Well, I guess I should wait till he attacks me again to do that one, hey?
Because it lowers the attack for, let's see here.
Yeah, it protects me from harm and gives me some healing action.
So I'll wait till he attacks me again on that one.
However, I will go right back to attack him.
And since he has no shield now, because I'm assuming he did not pick it up.
He did not pick it up.
No.
I'm going to go straight for the neck.
So that's 25 on the attack roll.
Seven and seven and four is 18 damage.
And second attack is a 20, but not critical.
Five and three is eight plus four is 12.
He takes both of those hits and he's looking very worse for the wear.
Okay.
And he again charges at you with his spear and his first hit goes wide.
That's only 11.
Second is a 20, not critical.
And third is a 13.
So you take one hit and that will be 12 piercing damage.
All right.
Finish him.
Carla just gave me the thumbs down from the sidelines.
Make it so.
I don't want you to kill him.
I just want you to make him unconscious so we can like find out what these people know.
Yeah, can you like hit him over the head really hard and knock him unconscious?
I guess I could try to do that.
Try and do that.
Okay.
Or kill him if you want.
Or just cut him down in cold blood.
It's up to you.
I just would whatever.
You live by your own moral code.
I'm going to do my second win skill to recover some hit points just in case he
decides to like Hulk out on me or something.
So it's a 1d10 plus my fighter level.
That's a six plus eight is 14 damage I get back.
There we go.
And now I will attack him with the flat side of my axe in an attempt to render him
unconscious because he's looking quite bloody at this point.
Correct?
Yes, sir.
All right.
I will use the flat part of my two handed axe and try and just knock him
upside the old noggin.
So that's a 21 on the attack roll.
Nine and five is 14 plus four is 18.
So 18 damage on the flat of the axe.
I'm assuming there might be some sort of like damage mitigator because I'm not
using the edge.
It would be like bludgeoning damage instead of...
Well, yeah, it would still be...
He would still take it but I'm going to give him...
I'm going to make him make a saving throw to make sure he stays standing because
blunt force.
He gets knocked back a few steps kind of in that direction there.
On that hit there.
He's still awake.
He's still awake.
He's still standing, eh?
He's still standing.
Jesus.
All right.
He's saved throw.
I guess I'll do my second attack on him then.
Okay.
That is a 17.
I don't think that's going to cut it.
17 is not good, no.
Yeah, like I said, he kind of stumbles backwards and he gives you a look like
he's coming at you for blood at this point.
Sweet.
Yeah.
Even though I tried to save his life.
Even though you tried to save his life, he rushes you with some sort of renewed
vigor and stumbles and slips on the ice.
Oh dear.
That's a one.
Think having grown up there.
You think.
You would think.
He'd be better.
He just got bashed upside the head though, so I'm going to cut him some slack.
Very true.
Little woozy.
But on the rebound, he gets 16.
Still not good, but his final stab, he gets 23, that's a 23 versus AC.
Well, that definitely hits.
Final one connects.
And that is 17 piercing damage.
Oh, geez.
So he's still looking worse for wear for us.
Yeah.
Okay, so if I wanted to use a healing potion right now, is that considered magic or am
I able to do so?
You could try.
You can do whatever you want.
Okay, no, I don't want to risk it.
That doesn't sound good.
In a battle to the death, a healing potion might be something that's frowned upon.
I'm just putting that out there.
All right.
Well, in that case, I'm going to attack him twice and do my bonus attack of action
surge.
So he's got three attacks coming at him.
Brace yourself.
The first one's a 21.
The second one is a 10, so that's not going to do it.
And the third one is a 19.
Two of those hit, yeah.
All right, let's do this.
Five damage, nine damage plus four is 13 for the first attack, five again, seven is 12,
and four is 16.
29 total.
Yep.
You hit him twice there and the second time you hit him, he stumbles back again
and you kind of see this glazed over look in his eye.
See the light leave from his eyes?
Yeah, yeah, and he drops to his knees and falls face down onto the ice.
And the crowd, it was getting quieter.
They were still cheering, but at this point, everybody's gone completely silent.
Barking Seal comes out and checks his body and she calls out that the newcomers have
won the battle.
They are welcome in our village.
Two other warrior types come towards you and escort the four of you back to the
yurt that you were in before.
You're kind of rushed out of the arena.
And you're left to wait there for a little time.
Is there anything you guys want to do or discuss while you're in there?
Were we able to see if he was dead or alive?
From what you could tell, he looks quite dead.
Oh, all right.
Sorry about that.
You tried.
I tried.
You should take a healing potion now.
That's probably a good idea.
Or do something to fix yourself up a little bit.
All right.
Let me just roll some D4 here.
Well, we're in this beautiful, beautiful yurt.
That's right.
Is this a yurt we woke up in unconscious that one time?
Yep.
I think it is.
So that's nine hit points.
I get back.
Hooray.
And are we in here for a short amount of rest time, Russ?
Or is it just more of like we're off to the side and they're coming back right away?
Someone will be coming in sooner than a short rest.
Yeah.
Okay.
Since all of our stuff was taken away,
can I assume now that we are being welcomed to the village, we get our stuff back?
It's in that yurt.
It is in that yurt, yes.
So we just grab our stuff.
There are two warriors kind of standing outside the yurt.
But yes, you are in the yurt, so you are welcome to grab your stuff.
Great.
All right.
I get my gear.
I inspect it to make sure they didn't do any funny business.
You want to make a funny business check?
I'd like to make a funny business check.
Damn it, I rolled a one.
Ah, there was so much funny business.
They definitely did some funny business.
You see zero funny business about any of your stuff.
Even though there are mustaches drawn all over it?
Even though there are mustaches drawn in whale blood all over it.
The googly eyes is the most offensive part.
But you don't notice that.
No.
So it's fine.
No, it looks fine.
It looks good.
Thank God no funny business was had here.
Meanwhile, new Laura and I are just snickering in the background.
You guys, you wait for a little while.
Not a long amount of time.
But Barking Seal comes in.
The shaman person.
She comes in and sits down.
There's a stool in there.
She says, it appears you have bested our finest warrior,
as was the agreement with our village leader.
You are welcome among our villagers.
You can stay the night.
He was under the impression you had some questions.
I will do my best to answer what you have.
As soon as you are able, you may be wise to be on your way.
But if there's anything I can do to help in the meantime,
you must be hungry.
Would you like anything to eat?
Yeah, sure.
So let me get this right.
You are down your best warrior.
And we just get to hang out for a little bit and then be on our way?
I look off into the distance just contemplating
the amount of violence in the world and thinking,
I'm really changing on this journey.
I'm really changing.
I think I'm changing for the worse because as the longer
that battle went on and the guy didn't fall down,
I started thinking, I'll just kill him.
Some means to an end.
We should eat some of their food because if fantasy has taught me anything,
it is that if you eat food in someone's dwelling,
then in theory, they should not harm you.
Yes, it worked perfectly in Game of Thrones.
It did not, but in all other situations.
No, she said fantasy, Tom.
She said fantasy.
Oh, right.
Not real life.
Gotcha.
Not real history of the actual world we live in.
Right, right, right.
Sorry, my bad, guys.
And then we do have questions.
Can we eat and ask questions at the same time?
She sends one of the warriors to go bring some food.
So she says, I'm happy to answer any of your questions while we wait.
Oh, can she fix Tom up?
I mean, Flint.
She fixed Tom up.
First question, is it like a set menu or do we have some options here?
Unfortunately, it's not much of a menu here.
We'll bring what the chef brings.
It's going to be something whale related.
No, it's theory.
Blubba.
So yes, Fianna is a good question.
Maybe she can help heal up Tom a little bit.
Sorry, not Tom.
Maybe she can help heal up Flint a little bit.
I know, I'm having trouble.
Character voices.
One step at a time, Ross.
My next character will have a character voice.
Oh, your next character.
So you want me to kill your character often?
Oh, don't kill my character.
She just wants to graduate from Adventure Academy.
Yes, I'm, no, don't kill off my character.
See what I'm talking about?
I will not intend to kill anybody's character.
Oh, God.
But if I do kill anyone, Amy, it's going to be your character.
We're going to have so many more fight to the deaths coming our way.
The spear was going straight for Flint's head and it took a right turn and went for Amy.
Which is weird because spears don't normally travel in right angles.
But this one did.
It's like somebody was out to get her.
It's like that crazy whistle thing that he has in Guardians of the Galaxy.
That's what it is.
She said, so what are your questions?
Well, when we got here, we walked through those giant whale rib bones
and you guys said that you killed them, but there was teeth marks on the bones.
So how's that work?
Next question.
Our leader tells tales to attempt to fear off newcomers.
That makes sense.
He sometimes succeeds, sometimes doesn't.
The majority of them were harvested from animals,
whales, seals that we have brought in.
Some of them were damaged when we found them by something much larger than us.
So that is probably what you saw.
This is a non-answer.
How about that dragon then?
Yeah.
How about that dragon?
How about damn dragons?
The dragon?
Don't play dumb with us, lady.
You know the dragon.
A Guthridor.
A Ruthator.
So yes, there is or was a dragon around here.
What is your interest in dragons?
We would like to stop them from getting all up in the dragon cult,
being a part of, you know, ripping apart our world.
The dragon cult?
The cult of the dragons.
The cult of the dragons.
I don't know what you speak of.
Oh, dragons are coming, man.
They're going to rip apart this world.
And you are sent to stop them.
Yes.
Do you want to make a creature out of them?
Want to make a Charisma or Persuasion check?
Twelve.
And my Charisma is...
Persuasion you've got plus two.
Charisma I've got better than that.
You've got two.
Okay, fine.
Fourteen.
She looks at you a little skeptical.
She says you are powerful warriors,
but I've seen many powerful warriors go up against several dragons
and not fare very well.
We don't necessarily want to kill the dragons.
We want to just stop them from teaming up
with the cult that's trying to raise Tiamat.
Truth.
Flint, do you want to make a Charisma check too?
Yeah, do better than you.
Hey, I did better than you.
That's a seventeen.
I love when people listen to me.
She seems a little more persuaded by what you're saying.
She says our village has been plagued for many years
by a dragon, a Guthator, as you so eloquently put his name.
A Guthator.
A Ruthator.
You were looking for a woman as well?
Yes.
Does anyone remember her name?
Hold on.
Yes.
No, I've got it.
Maccoth the Crimson.
Yes.
No stuff.
She knows about the Drakorn.
Yes.
She came looking for the Drakorn.
What does she look like?
Oh my god.
Because you're talking to her right now?
She's a Tiefling.
She's a Tiefling.
Oh, she's a Tiefling.
She probably wears red, being as her name is the Crimson.
Or has red hair?
Could be.
Also possible.
But yeah, I don't have anything about her appearance written down.
You know, and she's like alone and wandering.
Oh, she's a Tiefling.
She was apparently attacked by frost giants.
There have been tales of a horned lady seen throughout the North.
She was aboard a ship that was wrecked.
Hey, Tieflings have horns, guys.
I'm looking at the picture right now.
I was totally just looking it up.
I was just googling it like, what's a Tiefling look like?
I just sat here like, yeah, I'm going to pretend I know what a Tiefling looks like.
And then I thought, does she have the Drakorn on her head?
Is that why she's...
Like Carmen Miranda style?
She's just wearing...
Oh my god, yes.
Says yes.
There have been tales of a horned lady who was aboard a ship that was wrecked.
And she has been seen in the North.
And as she finishes saying that, the warrior comes back in with,
for lack of a better term, sacks of food.
Sweet.
And you look at them.
Love me a good food sack.
It looks like a raw fish type product.
Smells a little tangy.
A little perhaps biting to the nose.
I eat it no problem.
Me too.
I lived in the woods like, I'm cool.
I don't think I...
Oh yeah, scarf that down.
Yeah, I'm not fancy.
Oh, but first I make a perception check.
I don't want to be poisoned.
You scarf that down, but as you're scarfing down...
I make a perception check.
I feel like I have it hanging out of my mouth part way.
You could make a perception...
Yeah, okay.
Okay, is anybody else making a check?
Oh, I guess we all should.
A perception or intelligence or investigation check.
Oh, I'll do investigation then.
Whoa, 19.
So it doesn't appear to any of you that there is anything wrong with it.
It looks perhaps spoiled to your sense and sensibilities.
What about my pride and prejudice?
But you don't...
I was just thinking that.
I was like, Jane Austen has good manners, so will I.
It doesn't appear to you that it is poisoned.
It doesn't appear to you that it's great food,
but it doesn't appear that it's poisoned.
All right, I'll scarf it down.
You may get food poisoning from it afterward.
All right, hey, did we ask Barking Seal if she could heal Flint?
We've just kind of skirted around that.
It's been brought up a couple times, so you haven't said anything.
It's because you were like, maybe we should ask her,
and then you asked her other questions.
Hey, Barking Seal, is there any way that you could
help me get some hit points back here?
Absolutely, I could do that.
That would be great.
She whispers an incantation, and you gain 27 hit points back.
Whoa, can she join our group?
Wow, totally.
Barking Seal, do you want to come on an adventure?
Thea feels really like pushed aside and sad,
that she used to be the magic one in the group, and now-
Do you get cure wounds?
She does, but she has not casted on me once.
Hey, I do not have cure wounds.
You don't?
I thought you did.
You had some sort of curing spell.
I had it at one point, and then we never, ever used it,
and then I was like, I'm going to use something
that I can light with one fire.
Well, welcome aboard, Barking Seal.
She says thank you for the offer, but I needed to stay here.
All right, well, thank you for the heal.
That was very nice.
As you guys are eating, she begins to tell you,
well, she already mentioned that her village has been plagued
by a dragon, Herithator, in the past,
and what Bone Carver may have told you
is that he is, you know, deceased.
He is no more.
That is a lie.
Well, der.
Well, der.
Well, der indeed.
Well, der indeed, good sir.
That is a lie.
In fact, the iceberg that we are standing on
is one of his lairs beneath the ice.
Well, then.
We were procured into guarding the surface
through fear of him destroying our people and our village,
and I am convinced by the warriors that you appear to be,
and by the tales that you tell,
that you might be helpful to our cause
in releasing us from Herithator.
Is that something you'd be interested in?
Sure we will.
Hold on a second.
Everyone is recruiting us for their cause,
but right now we have a cause,
so we'll help you if you help us find Macath the Crimson.
She tells you, she begins to describe
the rough layout of a herithator's lair
and the fact that the horned lady that you speak of
is in fact held captive within his lair.
Well, see, now you could have led with that.
Unless you're lying.
You could make a check.
I'm gonna check and see if you're lying.
Never mind, I don't care.
Doesn't matter what kind of check.
We're good here, don't worry about it.
No, I rolled a two.
Oh, you rolled a two.
Yeah, you're certain she's telling the truth.
Good.
Gosh, the most truthful lady I've ever seen you guys.
She goes into quite some detail about
the passages and the ceilings,
and that everything is carved from very slick ice
and basically a rough layout of where certain rooms are.
I'm gonna melt the shit out of that place.
Where certain rooms are within a herithator's lair
beneath the surface of this iceberg
and that once you are in the main level,
which there are entrances from the village hall
and entrances through bone carvers' personal hut.
So there are two ways to get in there.
As she begins describing all this to you,
you start to feel a little woozy.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, man.
Do you want to make a constitution saving throw?
So that we don't throw up?
18 plus whatever my-
21.
Modifiers.
15.
So you all, your vision begins to narrow
and you feel quite ill.
Can you tell me what-
You want me to say 21, right?
Can you tell me what we would have had to have rolled
in order to not lose that constitution?
I'm not done yet.
I'm not done yet.
We are outraged.
And we're all dead.
All right, adventure over.
Nularaaaa, you fall to the ground.
You are unconscious and you take 16 poison damage.
Flint and Thea, you take eight poison damage each.
You are still conscious, but you can't really see straight
and two warriors come in and they go to tie you up.
So this is how you make people welcome in your village, hey?
Make a strength check to avoid being tied up with disadvantage.
So what does this advantage mean?
Minus two?
Roll your dice twice and take the lowest of them.
Oh, okay.
Well, fuck.
The lowest was 11.
Plus my strength bonus?
Yeah.
Okay, 15.
Five plus, what's my strength bonus?
Well, both of you actually lose.
In my struggle to not be tied up, can I cast a spell?
Sure.
Yeah, all right.
Okay, I'm going to do-
What do I want to do?
I want to do-
Produce flame.
Yeah, let's just, yeah.
So I do that because I don't need a roll for that.
Yeah, but you need to tell me what damage it does.
Oh, right.
Oops, nope, that wasn't a real roll.
Produce flame.
All this time I'm just laying there unconscious.
Yeah, sorry.
That's what I'm doing.
Sorry, man.
It's all right.
11 fire damage.
Yeah, how do you want to do this?
I'm not going down without a fight.
So that warrior that you hit with that
takes that damage and basically runs out of the yurt.
Yeah, he does.
Barking seal says, I'm very sorry that this has happened.
I didn't mean to do this.
Bonecarver must be in charge of something.
Honest to God.
Oh, you're scared now, are you?
She says, I can fix your friend and get you into the lair.
Please don't kill me.
When you put it that way.
What's his other guard doing?
Because now I'm unguarded, but someone's still trying to wrestle for-
No, sorry, the warrior's left.
Oh, both of them.
Both warriors left.
OK, cool.
Yeah.
All right, well, it seems like the alternative is
more people come in and kick our ass,
so we might as well go into the lair.
Did she wake me up?
Can I talk now?
Yeah, I say-
But did you agree to-
Yes.
Yes.
Let's see.
Fix her.
I'm mad.
You are conscious and you get back what you lost.
You feel great.
So I'm all healed.
Flint, you get back 25.
I think you should be able to take that.
And you're probably just going to take back.
So yeah, you get back what you-
So she heals you all back up and says,
in order to move through the village, it's almost night time.
I can move you into the town hall once the sun sets.
Get you down into Arithitar's lair.
So just to clarify, she's on board with us helping get rid of the dragon,
but the other leader is not, so he's trying to pull shenanigans?
Apparently.
Is he just mad we beat his best guy?
I want to talk to this bozo.
Bonecarver lives in constant fear.
Basically, if anybody new comes into our village, Arithitar is to know.
He may even know that you're here now if he's down there,
because somebody from the village is supposed to go down
and let them know that there are new people here.
So he may know that you're here already based on the way
Bonecarver has done something to your food.
All right.
Is it possible to have someone from the village come with us?
I feel like if we are going into tunnels beneath their village
and there are only- there's only two entrants slash exits,
and one is in the private quarters of the guy that just tried to kill us,
I would like someone- I don't know.
Does it make sense for someone to come with us?
Because then maybe they won't block up the passages so we can't get out.
Yeah, but if someone comes with us who's to say that we can even trust them,
they could lead us into a deep maze and then ditch us and then block the exit.
Based on her descriptions of the caves,
you guys feel that you can navigate them reasonably well.
She's given you rough locations of where things are.
She tells you more about what's down there.
There are a clan of kobolds that Aruthatar has brought in.
The ice toads live beneath the surface as well as ice trolls,
guard Aruthatar's hoard, his treasure.
Well, maybe the best thing to do is to sneak us down there and then tell Bonecarver,
sure, that we fled after being attacked.
That does sound like it would work.
One question for you, Barking Seal.
Yes.
What room is- shit, what's the lady's name?
I can never remember her name.
Macoth.
Macoth.
What room is Macoth being kept in?
Is she in the treasure hoard or is she in a cell of some sort?
What's going on with her?
Macoth is on the main level of the iceberg.
There are two levels of the iceberg.
The first is where all the trophies, where Macoth is.
She's kept more towards the back near the scriptorium
where there are many magic books and tomes and spells and all that kept.
And also near the treasure room.
She has her own quarters down there though.
She tells you the rough location of where the ice troll's quarters are,
where the ice toad's lair is, some other dens and junk rooms and stuff on the first floor.
She says the second floor, the lower floor, is all Aruthator's lair.
Where he, when he's here, where he is.
So once you drop down into that area, that is his area.
It is a large space.
You might not run into him as soon as you drop down there.
So Aruthator and Macoth are on the same level?
They're both on the lower level?
No, Macoth is on the first level.
Okay.
And then Aruthator has the entire lower level
and he is able to enter and leave through different tunnels underwater.
From the surface you don't necessarily see him coming and going.
Okay, well let's wait for night and go.
I guess we should make this happen, yeah.
Where's Larry during all of this?
Did he go back on the boat?
Yeah, Larry's not there.
Where is Larry?
Larry went back to the boat.
Okay, for realsies.
He wasn't given the fish?
He wasn't given the fish.
You were escorted to your yurt and he was escorted off the premises.
So he's no longer there.
You can assume that he's back at his boat.
Okay, cool.
We wait for nightfall.
Hey there, it's me, your Dungeon Master Russ More.
Thanks so much for joining us for episode four of Dumbgeons and Dragons.
This one titled, Something Fishy.
Just wanted to run a few things by you.
There's a few new ways that you can find us
and when you're telling all your friends about us,
obviously you can tell them where to go to find us.
I think we can now say that Dumbgeons and Dragons
is now available wherever you download podcasts, right?
That's pretty cool.
We are on iTunes, of course, but as of this week,
we should be up on Google Play Music in Canada and US.
That's the only places that they offer that service right now.
From the sounds of it, we have had a great first month
for people finding and listening to the show,
which brings me to our first comment read on the pod.
It's pretty exciting.
This comes from Jimmy Bo Bob Brain and he says,
Awesome D&D podcasts.
These D&D freaks are super funny
and really make you feel like you're having fun with them.
Great work.
Download this.
Absolutely.
Download all of them.
That is honestly the nicest thing to date
that anyone has ever said about us.
So thank you, Jimmy Bo Bob Brain.
I like your name.
It's good.
If you think about it after this episode,
if you could leave us a rating and review
about something you like about the show,
the format, us specifically, whatever.
I hear that helps podcasts move up in the ranks sometimes.
Even if it doesn't,
we love to hear if you're liking the show.
If you want to be more involved in the D&D universe,
you can visit dumbdragons.com now.
All of our social media and email links are all listed there.
Or you just find us on Twitter.
We are at DumbDragonCast.
And I don't know if I'm hashtagging correctly,
but you can use the DumbDragonCast hashtag
so we can track you down
and find out who's talking to and about us.
We will eventually try and work that
into something within the show.
Not sure what that will be,
but if you do it,
you could be part of the show at some point.
On Facebook, we're at Facebook.com slash DumbDragonCast.
And we keep both of those up to date
with the latest episode details.
And we also post some other cool D&D
and RPG related stuff that you might find interesting.
So come join and chat with us up there.
That's it for me though.
Thanks again for joining our journey to adventure.
Let's see if those crazy kids
can break into a dragon's lair, right?
Yeah, it's gonna be fun.
Our next episode will be out February 15th.
You have a wonderful couple of weeks
and we'll talk to you then.
The Nightfall
Nightfall comes and she sneaks you out of the yurt
that you're in towards the village hall.
And you go in there, there's nobody else in there.
And hidden beneath some planks
in the back corner of the village hall
is where you find the entrance to the ice caves,
which descend down a chute with icy stairs
in a tight spiral.
And she says it goes down about a hundred feet.
There are areas that you wanna watch out for
descending down into that you might slip.
So just be careful going down those icy stairwells.
And once you're down there,
the room at the bottom should be empty.
You shouldn't run into any trolls or toads
once you get down there.
But as you're walking through the halls
and walking into other rooms,
just be cautious that you might run into
unexpected visitors or guests.
Expected now.
Okay. Yeah, let's do this.
Here we go.
Down the super slippery stairs.
As you're descending down,
if you wanna make an acrobatics check,
dexterity acrobatics.
I like that sound already.
Oh, I got a natural 20.
Nice.
All right.
I'm gonna walk down some stairs.
I got nine, a 10.
I had an 18 after bonuses.
What order are you walking down the stairs in?
I'll go first.
So that I don't, you know, bowl you guys over.
I'll go first.
I'm like itching to like, you know, fight something.
You see, who's right behind Thea?
Me, I guess.
You see Thea fall.
Do you want to try and catch her?
Well, I did roll that 20.
I got sure footing.
You saved yourself.
That's for sure.
You guys could just laugh.
It's okay.
I yell, I'll meet you at the bottom.
Avenge me.
Yeah, I can, I can try and grab her.
What do I have to roll?
Strength or athletics?
Yeah, whatever you've.
I rolled a 15 with a plus four.
So 19.
So you managed to catch her.
She only slips a couple of stairs.
Straighten up.
That was embarrassing.
And as you, so she picks herself up and dusts herself off.
And as you keep going down, the stairs kind of get a little easier to walk down.
And you enter a room that is empty except for a dozen baskets woven from leather strips
and walrus ribs stacked in the in the north corner of the room.
And these contain frozen fish and a few skin wrapped bundles of rotting shark meat.
And that is all that's in that room.
And I've got a map.
I'll pull up here just a second.
I'm just going to move Thea's thing.
So that's the room you are in.
And it leads out into a hall here.
Is it lit?
It is.
Like the band lit?
Don't steal my sunshine.
No, that's lens.
Oh, who's lit?
Are they the ones that had that Pamela Anderson video?
Yes, that's them.
Yeah.
It is lit by a few whale oil lamps kind of run.
There's a couple of them in the room.
And as you look into the hall, you can see that they are lined throughout the caves.
How convenient.
I would like to pull out my sword and say Mui Caliente just so it's ready.
Of course.
Just in case.
Seems like a good idea.
And also it probably is a good source of light.
Yeah, light would keep us a little bit warm.
It's good.
As far as where Macoth is, if you kind of zoom out on the map there,
the way she described it is the treasure room and Macoth's room and the scriptorium
and all that is all kind of along the back wall there.
So the 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.
10 to 14 area.
Great.
Let's go that way.
You go out into the hall there and it kind of slopes down.
You walk by room seven there.
Do you look into that room?
What do you do?
I'm kind of a like no room left unturned kind of person.
I agree for no reason because all it's going to be is a trap.
But let's do it.
Come on.
We can't just walk past.
Who knows what's in there.
If we turn ourselves invisible again, I'm sure Russ would hate that.
You have the pass without a trace potion,
but Carla has the pass without a trace whenever the fuck she wants.
I know.
Yeah.
That's just in case she drops another potion.
That's true.
I was actually going to say if we're never going to use it, Carla,
you should get yourself a better, a better spell.
You know what?
I just I'm so torn about it because it's so great that it feels like cheating.
And yeah, it totally does.
Fuck anything you've had planned, Russ.
We're going to I feel gross about using it,
but let's keep it in mind.
Maybe once we like complete our mission, we need to peace out.
Maybe that's a more appropriate or like non gross way to use it.
You know, like we've completed the mission and fought everybody.
And then we just need to like skedaddle back to the boat.
Sneak away quietly.
Exactly.
Instead of like just running around, avoiding all danger.
Ah, we'll leave it.
Yeah, let's go into room seven.
So as you walk into this room here,
as you get right into the front doorway there, visibility is a very,
it's a room filled with fog.
So visibility of this room is about 45 feet.
As you move into the chamber,
the shape of a frost giant becomes dimly visible at about 60 feet.
Is he sleeping?
Do you keep walking towards?
Do we back out you guys or do we fight him?
Has he noticed us?
It doesn't appear he's made a move towards you or away from you in any way.
Interesting.
What's safer, like sneak attacking someone or leaving them to maybe get us later?
Or like what if there's 10 of them in here?
Yeah, that's my thing.
Like what if he's not the only one?
How big is the frost giant again?
Big.
How big?
This room is 15 feet, right?
Yeah.
So it's 60.
So there's a lot of extra space in there.
But like 90 feet across, it's like almost 90 by 90 ish.
This could be like a whole like whole clan of these guys.
About 15 feet tall, 15 feet wide.
So they take up one full square.
Whereas you take up a third of a square.
Could we set up some kind of like sneak back out?
I have sheathed my sword so it is no longer glowing.
And like set some kind of trap in the door?
Anybody got any trap skills?
Because if we put a trap in the entryway, then they would
like, can we just like tie some rope across or something?
Just so that they trip on the way out.
Some sort of trip wire.
Yeah, just so that it like warns us a little bit if they leave that room
without us having to go and fight who knows how many frost giants.
We technically don't know that there isn't another exit from that room.
That is true.
There could be tunnels.
True.
So do you, does that mean you want to fight, Fia?
Let's do it.
Let's fight.
Let's fight.
What else are we doing?
Let's do it.
Let's sneak in.
I pull my sword back out and whisper Mui Kelly into it.
No, let's sneak in.
It's darkish, right?
Okay.
It's foggy.
It's foggy.
Well, yeah, visibility is about 45 feet.
So you can see, well, you can see at about a distance of,
it appears that this giant is about 60 feet from you,
from roughly the entrance of this area.
But he's not looking at us.
But it doesn't appear that he's looking at you.
You can kind of see the outline of it.
Let's still check that bitch.
Yeah, let's see if we can get in here stealthily.
God, I can't roll for a shit today.
Oh, God.
I rolled a seven.
I think I have a, I actually don't know what that means
on these sheets with, it has numbers beside it.
Is that what I add on?
Yeah.
On the, you know, in the checklist there?
Yeah.
Okay.
Anyway, it's still a 10.
It's still terrible.
So I had an 18.
You are sneaky as F.
That's right.
The three of you begin walking in there
and Thea and Nulara very clearly aren't trying to be stealthy in any way, shape or form.
But as you get to about 45 feet from this figure, he doesn't take,
he doesn't move as you make a lot of noise and jump around
and scream and holler and whatever you're doing.
So much screaming.
I think that Thea came in like Tom Cruise in Risky Bitsys.
Oh, there you go.
And then just kept sliding.
Yeah.
Did she perhaps want some of that old time rock and roll as well?
Yeah.
Like it looks so cool.
It's not smart for safety, but she looks awesome,
especially with those Ray-Bans on.
What?
You get about 45 feet from this giant and it still hasn't taken any move towards you
or noticed you.
It in fact looks like it is just standing perfectly still
and as you get to about 30 feet, you recognize that this giant is dead and frozen
and seeing that it has torn armor and awful claw wounds in its pale blue flesh.
Dragon already got to it.
And as you-
I think it's something other than the dragon and we're about to be F'd in a B.
As you look around-
Is F'd in the beaming-
What does that mean?
As you-
Is it like-
What's the B?
Did you just shorten butt?
Was butt the word you didn't want to say there?
Well, I'm going to shorten F.
I'm going to shorten everything else it goes with.
You might as well.
As you get to the center of this room, you look around after you determine that this
giant is dead and you look around and this hall is displaying the bodies of
eight frost giants, one fire giant and one cloud giant.
Ah, it's a collection.
All dead.
It's a serial giant killer.
DTF out of here, you guys.
Do you want to make a quick perception check there?
Yep.
Hey, natch20!
Sure, sure we do.
What?
Then you can perceive everything for us.
Yeah, no kidding, because I'm perceiving not much.
I'm perceiving-
I'm seven, so-
As Flint and Nulara begin walking back towards the door,
Thea, out of the corner of our eye, along the side of the walls and ducking behind
some of the giant statues, for lack of a better term, you see a quick and sudden
movement of a medium to smallish type creature, ducking in and around behind.
And they appear to be-
They?
Multiple of them.
They appear to be around the walls, hiding behind these giants.
Do they seem furry?
You can't tell if they're furry.
You just kind of caught a glimpse.
I try to talk to them.
I'm like, hey guys, what are you doing back there?
They don't respond.
I do have animal handling.
I try in all my languages, by the way.
That just means-
I'm proficient in vehicles.
Good, well if you need to ride one of these things, you'll be set.
I do like a, hey, furry, furry, furry check.
I don't know if they're furry or if they're even sentient creatures, but you know, whatever.
Yeah, you can do a hey, furry, furry check.
Now is that an intelligence or wisdom?
What exactly is going on here?
I was going to just use my animal handling bonus.
So I rolled a 17 and I get a plus five on that.
So that's 22.
Well, that's very successful.
But they're not animals.
And as you move towards them, you see one jump from one giant
corpse to the behind another one.
And there are a group of kobolds that look like they were-
You see some tools and it looks like they were working in there.
And they are just trying to hide from you at this point.
Oh, you made them sound like they were small.
Kobolds are small.
They're like half the size of you.
I can't believe I wasted my here furry furry check to dump kobolds.
Now is it like they were working in the lab late one night?
Exactly.
But we're going to kill them, right?
Like they have an advanced-
Do we want to talk to them and see what they're doing?
I tried to talk to them, but they weren't talking back.
Kobolds can talk.
Do kobolds talk?
Aren't they kind-
Do they?
I thought they were kind of dumbos.
Yeah, but they can still talk.
They can talk.
Yeah, they're not super intelligent creatures.
What language do they speak?
Common, usually, I think.
Common and draconic.
Okay, well, call out them.
Hey kobolds, we see you.
Like you're not-
We're not here.
You're not being sneaky.
We're not here.
You're talking right now.
Henry!
We're just working here.
We're not doing here.
What are you guys doing?
Not doing, not working.
Please leave us.
We don't mean you harm.
That's what they all say.
What are you guys doing in here?
Why aren't you attacking us?
Never have we met a group of kobolds that didn't want to just like get it on
in a fighting manner.
In like a-
In a non-sexual kind of way.
Yes, well, I mean, we're just workers.
We're just polishing and cleaning and making sure his giants are shiny and good.
You mean all these dead giants?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you have to polish dead giants.
True that.
All right, yep.
Yeah, story checks out.
I read it in How to Keep a Good Lair.
That's what we convinced.
That's what we convinced him that we needs to do so he doesn't eat us.
Are you captives?
Maybe.
Or are you mercenaries?
We are workers.
How did you end up down here?
We were brought in by him.
Could you be more specific?
By the dragon?
Yes, yes, by the dragon.
We were brought in by him and we look for guidance from him.
Have you seen the horned lady?
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Can you guys show us where she is?
We'd like to talk with her.
We have work to do.
She, you leave and you go that way and they point right down the hall out the door.
I don't feel the need to murder.
Yeah, I'm good with it.
Me either, but let's just tie them up or something.
We can't just leave them wandering around, right?
Let's tie them up.
I don't know.
It seemed like they didn't really want anything to do with us.
Kobolds normally it's like a fight thing so if they're not wanting to fight or throw down.
I think we're good to just leave.
What if they will go warn the dragon?
You could leave us.
We won't tell him.
I would think by now he probably knows we're already here.
Do you know if he knows we're here?
Knows who knows you're here?
Do you know if the dragon knows we're here?
Does the dragon know we're here?
Well, that was a very clear statement like as a question.
In the grand scheme of things, who knows who's here?
Pretty philosophical.
He knows you're here.
Okay, thank you.
Yeah, just honesty is always the best.
He might know you're here.
Are you Henry?
No, no, I'm Steve.
Okay, Steve.
Thanks for being honest, Steve.
You're welcome.
We won't murder you.
Steve, you gonna get up in our business if we just leave you here not tied up?
Oh, we're just, yeah, don't tie.
We don't need to tie us.
You need rope for something else, right?
Probably.
Yeah, you seem like rope loving.
We do love rope.
Just hang on to your rope.
The major characteristic of our adventuring crew is the fact that we all love rope.
And fire.
Rope and fire make good combos, but not for cobbles.
I say we leave them.
All right.
Thank you.
Hey, no problem.
Remember this when we go to set everyone free down here.
You're set free?
Okay, bye.
Oh, but tell the dragon anything and I'll come back and let you all on fire.
Henry will tell nobody.
And what about Steve?
Steve tells everybody nothing.
Steve is the worst.
Okay, so just so you know, anyone tells the dragon anything,
I'm going to come back and light everyone on fire.
What if nobody tells the dragons nothing?
I just want to get away from all these total negatives.
How about I light one of you on fire just to make my point?
We tell nothing to dragons.
Perfect.
I'm not tired of this.
God, I just want to leave.
Okay, so you go right?
Yep.
We go right?
Yeah.
You enter.
You've got room two on your left, room 13 on your right.
Probably room 13 since her room is one of the ones along the back.
Yeah.
Let's go for room 13.
So a bizarre sight greets you in this rough walled chamber.
About a dozen giant toads with thick mottled white hides are at work here,
scribing strange writings into the ice of the walls
or onto weathered parchment and stone tablets.
A few toads transfer parchments and tablets into and out of floor to ceiling cubby holes
cut into the ice along the entire southern wall.
As you enter, a couple of them see you and call attention to all of the other ones
and they all start croaking very loudly at you.
I put my finger to my lips.
Did that do the job?
Anything?
A few of them flee into the back area, the room 14 for your map purposes,
and they start to quiet down a little bit.
Most of them.
Couple of them are still quite loud and kind of hopping around.
As toads do.
How big are they?
So they're hopping mad?
They are giant toads.
So they're a medium-sized creature.
So they're about, I would say about the size of a flint.
Hooray!
But actually just toads, not like bipedal creatures that look like toads.
That is correct.
And these are toads that are litter, like they're literate.
They're scribing something.
Can I try and animal handle them?
Sure.
But don't animal handle them, they don't like that.
Oh, rough call.
19 plus 5, so 24.
So I like make soothing sounds like you would, you know,
like to a horse or a dog that you don't know, like shh shh shh.
We're not here to hurt you, just want to know what's going on.
We're looking for our friend, the horned lady?
They begin croaking again.
Make an intelligence check.
Anybody can.
Well I only got a 10, so I hope somebody does better.
I got a 7.
12?
Wait it got flint!
All right.
It appears that they are trying to communicate with you.
You can't quite make out what they're trying to say.
You don't recognize what they're saying as a language.
Can I make a perception check and see if I can recognize
a language in which they were transcribing things onto the wall?
Yep.
Oh, fuck.
Four.
I did that as well.
Did you say four?
Yeah.
Yeah, I rolled a four.
What's the thing?
An intelligence, do you think?
No, just perception.
Wisdom perception, yeah.
Okay, well then my four turns into an 11.
I have a 16 then.
Nicely done.
You don't recognize the language that it's being written in.
Like is that even draconic?
It's not draconic that they're writing in.
Or giant or orcish or goblin?
Or giant or orcish or goblin.
Okay.
What about dwarven?
Is it celestial?
It's not celestial.
I'm pretty sure none of you have it, but let me just double check.
Is it druidic?
No.
I just said all mine.
So if it's not those, I don't have it.
Same, Zeus.
Guys, turns out they were writing in common the whole time.
Again, I didn't ask about that.
Well, what about Donnie though?
Because he can speak telepathically, so can he try to send them like...
Like a smiley face and a peace sign and a dove?
Yeah, exactly.
Like pictures or something.
The universal sign for you want to get high.
Something pictogrammy.
And a thumbs up.
Yes.
And like a finger to your lips like shh.
Yes.
All of that.
I love all of that.
He does something along those lines, but he tells you...
Guys, I think they do speak draconic.
They're very slow when they speak.
It takes...
It's painful to listen to.
I mean, they're toads, so...
Yeah.
He says that they do have a leader who sometimes speaks more better, as they put it.
Maybe we can try and talk to him?
Sure.
In draconic, really slowly, I say, take me to your leader.
Music in today's episode was by Kavin McLeod of incompetech.filmmusic.io.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.